Specker: Richard LIm (Consultant psychotherapist), Covered mainly the important Questions
in being a BGR.
- stirs Up alot of emotions
- Plus personal issues like : self-worth,self esteem , fears of rejection , passion and sexuality, jealousy and possessiveness, Great joy and Great sadness.
Yup that's why i am worried to be in a relationship last time. Those are mainly my reason too.
And being in a relationship is no child's play.
Quote from Grace and Lionel " you must know why are you getting yourself in a relationship also. is it for the fun of it? " Really worth pondering!
Why bother with love if it's s confusing?
It's proven and said that 50% of people die due to a broken heart. Everyone needs love and it's something which why we are created like that by god. To love each and everyone of his people like the way he Loves us..
Ask yourself why do granny lives longer then grandpapa? And not the other way round? cause Granny still have her grandkids , son and daughter which love her. In singapore, it's so rare to see grandfather whom wife has past on living healthly soon after.
What exactly is LOVE?
1)How do i know if it's love or crush? 2) How do i know if i'm in "true love" or just physical attracted to Her?
What about physical attractions? what attracts you about the opposite gender? you know why?
When there's a crush on someone you will:
- compulsion to be with the person
- A feeling of lack of trust[ how to know? test it out! close your eyes and fall on your back. hopeing he will support and carry you. But if at the moment , you just don't feel save on falling back, meaning it's confirm a crush, how i know? cause during the workshop, i'm suppose to fall back on this female student which i really did not due to that lack of trust]
- extreme of emotions ( Be super happy when you see that person, and everything seems normal after that. Wont feel love or excited once the person is gone. The feeling is just like a rollar coaster. Ups and downs)
- willingness to take abuse or behave in destructive ways ( for example: what ever your crush wants from you, you will give in. Even if the crush wants something which is unreachable, you will try your best to get it)
What about romantic(crush) and companionate love(true love)?
Romantic: It's about being passionate , intense ,intoxicating , unstable! It's basically about Being "high" for a short period of time.
Companionate love : it's about deep affection , attachment , intimancy and ease with partner.
The last 2 year being with meichiee has really shown great love for her. When ever i'm with her, Felt the sense of attachment and intimancy. So proud to tell the world that she's my Gf and could not wait to meet her each time i end school. But however maybe we are just not meant to be.
Falling in & out of love
- moderate love by maintaining your normal routines and friends. ( i did this too)
- don't be exclusive with the person ( i failed)
- know that exciting feelings and passion will subside over time ( i agree)
- falling out of love is normal ( heart-breaking for me as i treasure her alot)
- talk with closer friends or mentor about your feelings ( thanks my cellmate and friend for listening to me )
- loss of intense attachment can be emotionally painful but this will also pass. ( i agree, was crying my heart out inside during last month)
- engage with your favourite activities ( i failed as i'm so at a lost and did not want to do anything)
- tell yourself that deeper love is worth waiting for. ( i strongly agree! someone who will treasure me and the efforts put in.)
Tips for healthy break ups
- Tell person you are breaking up in person ( i strongly disagree with Sms or msn breakups)
- Find a save & private place ( not kopitiam or hotel please)
- Find a time when you will not be interrupted
- Expect resistance
- Avoid blaming yourself or the person ( meichiee keep on blaming herself for not being good)
- give yourself time to grieve
- seek a trusted mentor to talk about it (thank god i got you and church friends to turn to.)
Watch out for this signs of a poor relationship(breakup-time)
- leech all your time
- wants you to report of your every movement to Him
- jealous or aggressive due to lack of trust
- blames you for everything
- makes a relationship moore than it is ( for example want to have sexual intercourse with you to proof your love)
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SEX can be used as a substitute for intimancy or love
sex is an expression of affection and intimancy and an extension of a loving relationship.
- clarify your values
- be honest with yourself
- Be honest with your partner
So many people out there doing casual sex and you could be the next victim of HIV/AIds.
and you should always ask yourself why are you having sex with your boyfriend.
Many young innocent girls out there has become a victim on casual sex due to peer pressure from friends and their partner. Some said that it's a new level to a relationship. Not true! And girls simply gave in to sex due to the Love they need from the Boyfriend/crushes.
why delaying sex is a wise move! cause you wont know if your partner had sex else where and you might get Aids virus just because of this silly move you made. So we christian are taught to only give in to sex when you are married.
Questions to ponder before doing sexual intercourse
clarify your values
- how do i feel about casual sex contact?
- what role does love play in my sexual decisions?
- how will i reconcile these values with those i have learned from my family ,friends and religion.
Be honest with your partner
- why is my partner interested in sex with me?
- Do their expectations differ from mine?
- will she or he be hurt if our relationship does not develop further?
- have we discussed our feelings?
- does she or he afraid of losing my love or friendship?
Be honest with yourself
- what do i really want out of this encounter, out of this person?
- am i hopping the sexual contact will lead to something deeper?
- what will i do if i ( or her) gets pregnant?
- if i find that i or my partner have Sexual transmitted infection?
- Do i feel pressured to have sex?
- am i ready for a sexual relationship with this person?
After hearing so much about BGR on the pros and cons, The best method to develop a relationship is to :
- be a listening ear to your partner and being there for them in time of need.
- trust and respect your partner whole heartly and be receptivity!
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